MY TALK ON FORGIVENESS

NER SHALOM

FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 25, 2020

Opening quote: The stupid neither forgive, nor forget, the naïve forgive and forget, the wise forgive but never forget – Thomas Szasz

·        Why I am doing this: My own lessons in forgiveness – my family and forgiveness

·        My work in prisons for 23 years – Elmira, SQ, Folsom, Mule Creek, Solano, Sacramento

·        The men I have met and how they do not first forgive themselves and blame others – “catching a case”

·        The process of forgiving themselves for what they have done

·        My recent work with victims and offenders

o   Murderer and the mother of the victim

o   Sexual abuser and the step daughter he abused

o   Victim of kidnapping

·        The case I want to tell you about                 

o   Background – 20 years in prison

o   Knew each other previously

o   Who they each were now

o   The exact details of the dialogue

o   My feeling of being present in a remarkable experience: humility and deep compassion – saw that I needed to forgive those who have hurt me

·        The process of healing – Robert Enright

§  Know what forgiveness is and why it matters – showing mercy to those who have hurt us –helps us feel better about ourselves by doing such a difficult thing

§  Become “forgivingly fit” –make a commitment to do no harm to others – not speaking disparagingly about others; showing love in small ways

§  Address your inner pain – how have others hurt you – do you feel anxiety, anger, depression? Figure out what lead to that in the experiences of your life

§  Develop a forgiving mind through empathy – figure out what pain and suffering lead that person to harm you. Walk in their shoes for awhile to see who they are inside

§  Find meaning in your suffering – what has it taught you, how have you grown as a result of the pain

§  When forgiveness is hard, call upon other strengths – forgiveness takes lots of time, surround yourself with others who can help you deal with the suffering and call in your resilience and courage

§  Forgive yourself – honor that we are all imperfect and after you self-forgive you can begin to understand and forgive others

§  Develop a forgiving heart – open your heart to who hurt you and begin to love them – example of cop and perpetrator in VOD

Final quotes

o   To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you – Lewis Smedes

o   The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong –Mahatma Gandhi